Before I left on this trip I had started to lose sight of my angst, my darkness. I wrote paragraphs about how hard it was to find inspiration when life was so "good". Approaching week two of my trip I have already found something. Maybe my "good life" wasn't the problem. Maybe I was simply comfortable.
So far what I have faced here is not merely the darkness of the refugee crisis. It is not just the darkness of politicians in high offices playing political games with people's lives and young children living in camps with very little structure for building life skills. Those things are here and that's why we came, but I have been faced with something else. Something insidious that disguises itself so well, something I can't see. It's something that is inside of me. Its something that tells me to flee when things get uncomfortable. It tells me that "I've had enough", but enough of what?
I am living in a foreign country with a team of four strangers, working side by side day after day. We are on a mission with no road map. We are a team with many working parts in uncharted territory (metaphorically speaking). I am surrounded by things that are not comfortable to me. In fact nothing here is comfortable; it's all new.
The darkness inside of me is awake. It is thriving on these moments of "grow or go". In these moments I have a clear choice. I can turn to my spirit, the light inside me, for strength and guidance through un-comfortability. Or I can turn to my ego; my fear based darkness. This darkness treats every foreign uncomfortable situation as an enemy. Attack or run. Hostility and anger are awake in me. It is time to grow, or go. Go back to my comfort zone. Call it quits. Settle for the spiritual growth I have already achieved and choose to go no further. It would be so comfortable! Ah, my bed. The life I have already built.
Can I overcome my darkness to help change darkness in the world? Can I get to the best version of myself to be an effective and uplifting part of circusaid and all the good we are doing here? I'm not ready to go. Week one in the books.
Week two I will follow the light! God give me strength!